The Lost I-Land: A Review

So, the other day, the Netflix algorithm recommended The I-Land. I took its advice and watched it.

Here are some thoughts.

  1. I did not know algorithms could troll.
  2. What have I done to Netflix that would lead it to conclude that The I-Land would be a viable choice for me?
  3. Why did I watch all the episodes?
  4. Did anybody watch this before releasing it? If so, what was their rubric?
  5. Why did I watch all the episodes?

Here are more thoughts. Spoilers ahead, of course.

Opening Scene: It’s a beach. A girl is waking up. I will call her Dr. Jackie Shepard.

She’s all discombobulated, but that’s to be expected after surviving a plane crash. Do I know this is a plane crash? No. But it feels like a plane crash, so I’m going with that.

"I'm never flying Oceanic Airlines ever again."

She’s got a conch shell in her hand, for some reason. She uses it as a horn.

Why? I am confused. Why does she use that as a horn? I would use it as food. I love conch fritters. I haven’t had those in a while.

Here’s a recipe.

Don't these look good? You can find the recipe on Garlic and Zest.

Where was I? Right. Dr. Jackie Shepard’s blowing on the conch shell.

Here's our Dr. Jackie Shepard. Low-Res, I know, but that's all The I-Land is gonna get from me.

The conch shell horn summons the actress from that surfing movie.

Now there are two people. I will call the new person Sawyer.

Wait a minute… Sawyer is being played by that actress from the surfing moving again. Not the one where that poor girl lost her arm. The other one. I pause Lost 2.0 for a moment to Google.

The movie was Blue Crush. Right. I like that movie. I check to see where I can find it. Blue Crush is on Starz. I have a subscription to Starz. Should I watch that instead? I restart Lost 2.0.

Sawyer pulls a knife.

"I am dangerous because I have a knife and I wear my shirt properly buttoned."

Because Dr. Jackie is the hero, she easily takes the knife from Sawyer because everyone knows that Sawyer was pretty but not the hero.

Find me, Sawyer.

More people wake up.

Which one is Hurley?

They don’t remember anything, like their names, who they are, what year it is, pretty much anything at all, BUT they do know that they weren’t in a plane crash, because there would be debris, and there’s no debris, so that’s definitely NOT IT.

This is something they all discuss. I remain unconvinced. I expect a red herring like this in Lost 2.0. All the answers will be in the hatch.

I go to the Whole Foods website to see if they have any fresh conch.

Meanwhile, Whole Foods fails me. They have no fresh conch. Whole Foods suuucccckkkkks. I blame Jeff Bezos. But then I see they do have scallops. I could make pan-seared scallops with braised broccolini.

Pan Seared Scallops in Garlic Basil Butter. Serves Four. Pair it with a nice Chardonnay, I think, although I prefer red wine myself. I hear that you can do red wine with fish these days. Would it be too gauche to serve a Malbec? I'm not sure. Oh, yeah. I need bread. I make a note to get some La Farm bread while I'm there.

Then Sawyer starts flirting with Cato, played by Alex Pfferyerizerrr, better known as the guy from I am Number Beastly. But Cato is crushing on Dr. Jackie. Nobody is really concerned about finding plane wreckage.

See what I mean...whoops, wrong island.

Cato goes with Dr. Jackie to find the hatch while the rest get busy trying to contact the Dharma Initiative. Somebody makes a base camp, and people begin to pull their personal items away from the burning wreckage…

Whoops. I did it again.
They're doing this. This is what they're doing.

Dr. Jackie and Cato find a waterfall. The smoke monster is probably still sleeping. Cato attacks Dr. Jackie. Is Cato the smoke monster? Where is John Locke?

I sit up. Dr. Jackie knows herself some hand-to-hand combat. Cato gets his ass handed to him.

Cato's a dick.

More stuff happens. I decide to go with scallops, so I order from Whole Foods. According to Food and Wine pairings, scallops are best served with white wine. Some fish, like salmon or tuna, are hearty enough to be served with a lighter red.

Somebody gets eaten by a shark.

Man, this show is whack.

Dr. Jackie returns, and Cato is immediately arrested for sexual assault.

He is assigned a public defender, but takes the stand in his own defense. The judge allows Cato to rebuke Dr. Jackie for her for her insensitivity in light of the guy who got eaten by a shark. He follows this with the noted if you were assaulted, then why did you pick fruit for everyone defense.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the tribe, I stand before you, an innocent man, unjustly accused."

Lost 2.0 is weird.

Dr. Jackie is angry and storms off.

More stuff happens.

Dr. Jackie stumbles upon the guy who got eaten by the shark. She’s confused. He’s confused. I’m confused.

Again with the blowing of the conch shell. .

I really wanted conch.

I see a review about how this is not Lost 2.0, but it is a show about a virtual reality program set in the future for death row inmates in a Texas Correctional Institution helmed by a corrupt warden purposed to test whether or not convicts can be redeemed is not weird? Plus, cannibals?

Pff. Whatever. It’s Lost 2.0.

So, the shark-regurgitated guy is brought back to camp. Dr. Jackie finds the Dharma Initiative sign.

See? They're following the code the Dharma Initiative has left for them.

She’s all, “Look! It’s a sign!”

They’re all, meh, and ditch her.

Dr. Jackie throws the conch shell to the ground and discovers…

Ha ha. But no. Not that.
Not that, either.
What? Not that. Wrong series.
Cut it out.
Finally! That's what she does not find. She does not find this because she storms off, all angsty and whatnot. We find it because the camera shows it to us as the BIG REVEAL.

Okay, so there you have it. Those kooky Dharma Initiative-sters are back at it with their fun and games, calling themselves the I-Land this time around, and totally negating the theory that they’re all death row inmates participating in a virtual reality program, because why would you need to brand a shell if it was a virtual reality program?

And that’s my review of Lost. I mean, the I-Lost. I mean, The I-Land.

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