The Lost I-Land: A Review

So, the other day, the Netflix algorithm recommended The I-Land. I took its advice and watched it. Here are some thoughts.

  1. I did not know algorithms could troll.
  2. What have I done to Netflix that would lead it to conclude that The I-Land would be a viable choice for me?
  3. Why did I watch all the episodes?
  4. Did anybody watch this before releasing it? If so, what was their rubric?
  5. Why did I watch all the episodes?

Here’s a review. It only really covers the first episode, because that’s really all the energy I could devote to it. Spoilers ahead, of course.

The I-Land opens up with this girl waking up on an empty beach. I will call her Dr. Jackie Shepard. She’s all discombobulated, but that’s to be expected after surviving a plane crash.

"I'm never flying Oceanic Airlines ever again."

She’s got a conch shell in her hand, for some reason, which she decides to use as a horn.

I am confused. Why does she use that as a horn? I would use it as food. I love conch fritters. I haven’t had those in a while. I pull up a recipe.

Don't these look good? You can find the recipe on Garlic and Zest.

Where was I? Right. Dr. Jackie Shepard’s blowing on the conch shell.

Here's our Dr. Jackie Shepard. Low-Res, I know, but that's all The I-Land is gonna get from me.

The conch shell summons the actress from that surfing movie. I will call her Sawyer.

What was the name of that surfing moving again? I google. Blue Crush. Right. That was a fun movie. I check to see where I can find it. Blue Crush is on Starz. I have a subscription to Starz. I consider clicking over, but then Sawyer pulls a knife.

"I am dangerous because I have a knife and I wear my shirt properly buttoned."

Because Dr. Jackie is the hero, she easily takes the knife from Sawyer because everyone knows that Sawyer was also pretty but not the hero.

More people wake up.

Which one is Hurley?

They don’t remember anything, like their names, who they are, what year it is, pretty much anything at all, BUT they do know that they weren’t in a plane crash, because there would be debris, and there’s no debris, so that’s definitely NOT IT.

I look up from checking the Whole Foods website to see if they have any fresh conch and chuckle, because that’s so Lost, to throw in such an obvious red herring by saying there wasn’t a plane crash, when duh, that’s the only thing that makes sense. I mean, how else would you get to an island in the middle of wherever? Huh?

Plane freaking crash, that’s how.

Maybe they have a point about the debris.

Meanwhile, Whole Foods fails me. They have no fresh conch. Whole Foods suuucccckkkkks. I blame Jeff Bezos. But then I see they do have scallops. I could make pan-seared scallops with braised broccolini.

Pan Seared Scallops in Garlic Basil Butter. Serves Four. Pair it with a nice Chardonnay, I think, although I prefer red wine myself. I hear that you can do red wine with fish these days. Would it be too gauche to serve a Malbec? I'm not sure. Oh, yeah. I need bread. I make a note to get some La Farm bread while I'm there.

Sawyer 2.0 hits on Kate, who I call Cato, played by Alex Pfferyerizerrr, better known as the guy from I am Number Beastly. Cato is crushing Dr. Jackie, because that Cato, you know what I’m saying?

See what I mean...whoops, wrong island.

So, Cato ends up exploring with Dr. Jackie while the rest get busy trying to get rescued. They make a base camp and pull their personal items away from the burning wreckage…

Whoops. I did it again.
They're doing this. This is what they're doing.

Meanwhile, Dr. Jackie and Cato find a waterfall. It’s all romantic until Cato attacks Dr. Jackie. I sit up. I decide I don’t like Cato. Good thing Dr. Jackie knows herself some hand-to-hand combat. Plus, getting that knife from Sawyer 2.0 at the beginning was surely helpful.

Cato's a dick.

More stuff happens. I’ve got my order into Whole Foods. According to Food and Wine pairings, scallops are best served with white wine. Some fish, like salmon or tuna, are hearty enough to be served with a lighter red.

Meanwhile, somebody gets eaten by a shark.

Man, this show is whack.

Dr. Jackie returns and accuses Cato of sexual assault. Cato first rebukes her for her insensitivity in light of the guy who got eaten by a shark. He follows up with the noted if you were assaulted, then why did you pick fruit for everyone defense.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the tribe, I stand before you, an innocent man, unjustly accused."

Lost is weird this season. Is it a satire? Maybe it’s a satire. I google. It is not a satire.

Dr. Jackie is angry and storms off. More stuff happens. I text my BFF to tell her about this stupid show I’m watching, and she’s all why are you watching this stupid show, and I’m all, I don’t know, then Dr. Jackie stumbles upon the guy who got eaten by the shark, but who apparently didn’t, and blows that damn conch shell again.

Rub it in. Just Rub. It. In.

Then my BFF is all, wait, are you watching The I-Land? And I’m all, yeah, and she’s all, OMG, I binged this the other night, and they’re all in a virtual program because they’re on death row, or something, and it’s, like, about redemption and whatnot.

“LIAR!” I text. “It’s about a plane crash on an island and it’s all mystical and shit.”

She’s all, you are SO. WEIRD.

Pfft. Whatev. Like a show about a virtual reality program set in the future for death row inmates in a Texas Correctional Institution helmed by a corrupt warden purposed to test whether or not convicts can be redeemed is not weird? Plus, cannibals?

Moving on.

So, the shark-regurgitated guy is brought back to camp, but Dr. Jackie is too frenzied because she’s figured out the Dharma Initiative’s secret code. They follow her to the Hatch in the Jungle:

See? They're following the code the Dharma Initiative has left for them. By the way, awesome Photoshop there, right?

She’s all, “Look! It’s a sign!”

They’re all, “So?”

She’s like, “Well, maybe, we’re supposed to, you know, find our way back?”

They’re all, meh, and ditch her.

She throws the conch shell to the ground and discovers…

Ha ha. But no. Not that.
Not that, either.
What? Not that. Wrong series.
Cut it out.
Finally! That's what she does not find. She does not find this because she storms off, all angsty and whatnot. We find it because the camera shows it to us as the BIG REVEAL.

Okay, so there you have it. Those kooky Dharma Initiative-sters are back at it with their fun and games, calling themselves the I-Land this time around, and totally negating my friends stupid theory that they are all death row inmates participating in a virtual reality program, because why would you need to brand a shell if it was a virtual reality program?

And that’s my review of Lost. I mean, the I-Lost. I mean, The I-Land.

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