Kevin! It’s an AMAZING offer

Like pretty much everyone, I have had a rough 2020. 2021 isn’t proving to be much easier, but it’s still early. Things could get better.

Anyhoo, these days, I have to take my amusement where I can get it, and where I can find it right now is in the spam texts I have been receiving for some guy named Kevin. My name is not Kevin, and while there are plenty of Kevins worldwide, there is no Kevin in my nearby vicinity.

I investigated to make sure I was still me, and yes, I am still me. I also blocked, deleted, and reported, but that didn’t stop them. These scammers were determined. Kevin is a winner, and Kevin is going to get His AMAZING Prize that is RANDOMLY capitalized and oddly worded.

Since nothing stops them, I started reading them. Turns out they’re a pretty good story. At least, a better story than my 2020 addled brain can create. So, here’s a story about a guy named Kevin.

Kevin recently woke up to discover that CVS was awarding him $150.

But he spaced on getting back to them, so they sent him a reminder.

Friday came and went, but fortunately, Kevin came in second! He won a $149. Kevin wondered why it was only a $149, and not the original $150. Was that a processing fee? Was it a penalty for not existing? While it was true Kevin did not exist as a person, per se, he did exist as an idea in a scammer’s head, so that made him real, at least to the scammer, and that was good enough for him.

Once again, Kevin came in second. For a while, he was bummed.

But then, everything was okay, because Kevin’s application was accepted. That was so great, even though he had never submitted an application, because as an imaginary person there was no application to submit.

Things got even better when Kevin learned Kevin’s benefits had been Confirmed. Kevin mused over whether a Confirmation with a capital C was somehow better than a confirmation with a lower-case C.

But it doesn’t matter, because Kevin never got back in touch because Kevin doesn’t exist. Kevin wondered over the warning about extra charges. Were those monetary? How would they bill him? He had no address. He was not real.

But today, as Kevin floated in the aether of the scammer’s mind, he learned that he had won a MacBook Pro. So awesome. Sadly, Kevin checked his messages too late in the day to win the fictitious MacBook Pro that was probably only a link to a phishing scam anyway. Also, being non-existent, he had no address.

And so ends Kevin’s tale, for today, anyway. Tomorrow, there will be more links to suspicious websites. Good night, sweet Kevin. We CAN’T Wait to see WHAT you have Waiting for you tomorrow, but only valid for another 10 sec.